my grandfather's death #3

In the days following my grandfather's fall, my grandmother refused to bring me to visit him.  She said that I didn't deserve to see him and that he wouldn't want to have to look at me.  Initially when I asked her where he was or how he was, she'd tell me none of your business, but after she returned from her first visit to the VA Hospital, she was more than happy to share with me the dire state of his life.

worldess Wednesday: NYC on my own two feet

curious mom--still waiting on response

After many days of waiting for a response from curious mom, I feared that I had lost my footing on this seeking mother path.  Friends continued to ask me what I hoped to accomplish with this quest. Such a tremendous question, I nearly toppled over from the weight of it.  I used to be able to see this journey clearly in my mind, but suddenly what was even more clear to me was how little I understood any of it.  Without insider information, and no key having been handed down by a significant female, I was a trespasser in this land of mothers.

too much to wish for

This is not Aaron's first birthday receiving chemotherapy, but we must believe it will be his last.  While I am at home with our sleeping child, Aaron is likely reclined in his chair, sleepy from the pre medications given to prevent allergic reactions.

woman seeking community

My grandmother taught me many things about motherhood, none of them very useful.  I knew from the start that I would have to give birth to myself as a mother and it has been transformative in more ways than I could have imagined.

wsm blog how to write about past and stay in the now

The name Woman Seeking Mother came to mind with the idea for the ad.  I am woman (a female being) seeking (to track down, trace, to go to find, search for, look for, to go to, to resort to, to try to get or find out by asking or searching, to request, to bend one's efforts toward, aim at pursue, to try, attempt, to explore, to look for someone or something) mother (that which is the origin of something or nurturing in the manner of a mother; to look after or care for as a mother does; a woman who has born a child, especially as she is related to her child).  What has surprised me is just how much the term seeking has suited my quest.

the one to tell this story

We are here in a story that began many years ago and I am the one to plot out the narrative as it unfolds.  For many years this piece of our life has been a black hole to others.  People wondered why we had fertility issues.  Or why our plans were often rearranged.  Or why my yearning for a mother surged so exponentially after years of apparent dormancy.

Worldess Wednesday: Woman Seeking Calm

flora mom resurfaces

dear michelle....it looks as though several weeks have passed.  one loses track of time.  how are you today and are you doing well? for myself, i quite like going into the autumn season and find life easier.  i've never liked those long hours of daylight.  tell me what have you been reading...and also, how are your spirits?  flora

my grandfather's death #2

In the hours after my grandparents disappeared in the ambulance, I lay curled up with my dog Bozo in his hallway bed.  Though there was just enough warmth between us, I could not sleep, haunted by the sound of the wind whipping against the windows.  Each time I began to drift, I'd hear pounding on the glass and picture my grandmother standing before me, her hand ready to settle on my face.

a new beginning

Though what you might see in our life today may not look so wildly different than a few months ago, we have crossed to a new place.  I am just getting to know this current life but I don't have much more time to inch toward it; soon we will inhabit these altered days so fully that what we had before will be gone altogether.

curious mom--post meeting

The burning question when I woke up after my date with curious mom was whether or not she liked me. When I turned on the computer that morning, I was crushed not to see a letter from her.  Though I wanted to dream beautiful things, my mind immediately churned with fretful anticipation.

Worldess Wednesday: What are you reading?

Before I was a mother, I carried on a relationship of serial monogomy with my books.  I'd read one from cover to cover and carefully give it a place on my shelves among other like-minded books before I'd pick up another one.  I never understood when my friend, Lori, would tell me that she was reading three or even four books at a time.  Why would you want to do this?  Don't you want to savor each one for its essence?

Woman Seeking Stability in Chaos

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice!
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we're writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***
Dear Mamas,

In a few months time, my son Sasha's life as he has known it for his 13 months will completely change.  My husband, Aaron, is currently undergoing chemotherapy in preparation for a bone marrow transplant, which is scheduled for July.  At this time, we will temporarily relocate to a hotel in Boston for an indeterminate amount of time until Aaron is allowed to return home to New York.

dear woman seeking mother part 2

I don't know why but I was anxious after reading this email.  Though I was saddened that this woman lost her mother and identified with her on this important level, I was uncomfortable with someone speculating about my intentions or writing about me.  I had put myself in this position and yet instinctively I wanted to guard my story.

dear woman seeking mother

Dear "Woman Seeking Mother",

I was very interested in your notice in the New York Review of Books and I hope you don't mind me emailing you about it.  I am 43 years old and I live in London with my husband and two children.  I worked as a barrister until eight years ago and I am now a writer.

disappointed

The other day I met a woman with a son the same age as Sasha; her second child is due this month.  As we discussed her unexpected pregnancy, I felt split open.  The memory of being pregnant pulled at me as my eyes traced her full belly

Worldess Wednesday: Sasha in Spring

Sasha's first time exploring our yard on his own two feet.

my grandfather's death

My grandfather died because of me, my grandmother needed me to understand.  It was because of my greed that he ventured out into a snowstorm, then slipped and hit his head as he made his way home through the snow and wind with my cookies.

going forward with mentor mom

Michelle,
What an interesting profession and aren't you fortunate! Editing is something that I could always do although I never had the opportunity to do it professionally.  I don't seek out young women to mentor.  They seem to gravitate to me.

curious mom meeting

Over the next few days, curious mom and I made arrangements to meet at a restaurant in mid-town.  Locations and times were offered up, and once settled upon, a strange comfort overtook me.  I wanted to believe that my dream was about to come true.

Woman Seeking Father

"Women fought for the right to keep their maiden names," the woman at the Social Security Office told me as she took my application for a new card.

"I wanted mine gone long before I ever got married."

She looked at me and sighed.  "Hmmm."