response to Flora Mom

Dear Flora,


Your two emails were so welcomed.  It is magical that my ad stirred you to respond.  

potential mother #3 Flora Mom

Dear Seeking...I read your notice in today's New York Review of Books and am moved to respond.  You may receive many replies of compassion.

Worldess Wednesday: Grateful Heart

With the weeks to transplant growing fewer, I find myself even more grateful for every moment of our family time.  Aaron had chemotherapy this week but was still up for making everyone happy.  Watching this scene brought me immeasurably joy.  Man going through chemo, dog going through chemo and contending with heart complications from the chemo to boot, other dog perpetually dealing with third child syndrome, baby teething and wickedly at that and one often anxious mom behind the camera--all taking immense pleasure in what we have together.

connecting with curious mom

Dear Curious,


Reading your letters are an extraordinary experience for me.  To imagine such an incredible woman out there in the world, not only reflecting on what is experienced between a mother and a daughter, sister and sister, but one willing to extend herself to me because of my ad, exceeds my hopes.  

what do i want in a mother

My potential mother hoped to connect with me but wondered what it was that I wanted in a mother and whether or not this desire would be greater than she could handle.  I reminded myself not to feel hurt by this reaction, that it was natural for any woman reading my ad to assume that I am a hungry infant.  I placed the ad with full understanding that this act may appear the choice of a crazy person, but I reminded myself in sending out my SOS, I was not coming from a place of desperation, but rather of hope.

corresponding with curious mom

Michelle, 
It must have been devastating to have been orphaned in the way that you were and then to have not gotten the sustenance you needed from your grandmother.  I can understand fully your (touching and poetically described) life-long longing for a virtual mother.  I had some hesitation in responding to your ad for the very reason you mention.

response to Curious Mom

With the receipt of this letter from potential mother #2, my motherless situation had already shifted. There were women in the world who longed to have a daughter and would be willing to at least consider the notion of exploring some form of mother-daughter relationship.  I understood this to be a moment that changed my circumstances.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Holding onto Normal Days

With Aaron's impending bone marrow transplant looming day by day, we cling to routine moments in the midst of what is anything but routine.  The past few days Aaron underwent testing to determine how close we are to remission and therefore how close we are to our move to Boston.  We tried out the hotel that may house myself, Sasha, our two dogs, and a host of family and friends offering support while Aaron is hospitalized and beyond for an unknown period of time.   I found myself feeling increasingly vulnerable as I imagined our new normal.

potential mother # 2 Curious Mom

After I hit send, I wanted to run down the stairs and tell Aaron that I received a letter and responded to it, without even getting his feedback, but I was afraid to leave the computer.  I'd heard him come home just as I was completing my reply, and as much as I needed his reassurance that I conveyed something appropriate and meaningful to this woman who offered me the chance of some connection, I didn't want to break what I could only describe as a magical process akin to rubbing a genie's bottle and making your wishes known.

response to mentor mom

My friends often asked me what I expected and hoped for in placing an ad for a mother.  Though I wanted to believe that someone would respond, and that a union might be formed between myself and a woman desiring a daughter, I was not optimistic.  But here was a seemingly normal response to my unorthodox request.  I'd prayed for this but did I dare hope?

potential mother # 1 mentor mom

As I awaited the outcome of my mother ad,  I realized there was a huge likelihood that no one would answer.  Why would someone reading the personals in search of a romantic connection be intrigued by the possibility of a surrogate daughter?  How would I feel when I checked my email and saw no takers?  I allowed myself to be inspired that my ad was out in the world perhaps reaching someone who might imagine herself in the type of union I'd proposed.  And if not, I reassured myself that I could still move forward without a mother--that I had done it all of my life.

return to ad for mother

As a motherless child, I watched my friend's mothers for any signs that they would be able to love me along with their own children.  A glance, a touch on my shoulder, a ruffle through my hair--my body anticipating, craving their touch.  How many falls I took that needed tending so that I might receive a there there, I will take care of you.  Every motherly gesture meant so much to me.

Wordless Wednesday: Mother's Milk

Sasha is still refusing to breastfeed.  In recognition of Wordless Wednesday, I've decided to cheer myself up with some photos of happier nursing days.

how we come to parenting

Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners!
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we're writing about how a co-parent has or has not supported us in our dedication to natural parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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We come to parenthood with intent: a desire to bond with and love and nurture our ever-changing son together.  We want to foster empathy, curiosity and intelligence, security and well-being.  We are driven to protect him and humbled by how much we need to learn and expand in order to bring forth our best selves.  We feel reverence for our child. Parenthood is the spiritual experience for us that we both craved:  inherently transformative.

mother in mourning

Aaron took this photograph of me nearly a year ago, two weeks before Sasha was born.   I long to return to this expectant place, full with our child and so much hope for our future.  I want another child to join our family.

this mother's intention

Why is Aaron sick?  I contemplate this frequently and urgently.  Friends ask me what are the odds that I would be without parents or siblings and then marry someone who contracts a serious illness so young? Friends speculate that there must be some strange karma in my life that necessitates my being a caretaker for loved ones.  Friends wonder why Aaron's cancer appeared when we were about to start a family then   returned just as we planned to have another child.

i am a mother

Today nothing soothes Sasha's teething pain.  In the end, I hold him to me and cry along with him--for his suffering and for my own.  I assure myself that it is okay, that I am not falling apart, just empathizing with my son, but behind my tears lay so much, too much.  Anxiety for how our life as a family will unfold these next months.  Sadness that there will soon be many days when someone else will need to comfort my child with their arms as I care for my husband.  And then the pervasive, overarching regret that I did not start our family a decade ago.  I tell myself you are a mother NOW to this lovely baby and I bundle him tight to me and take to the woods where our tears are stilled by cold
crisp air and two bounding dogs.  

100 posts of mother

This morning I realized that today's post would be my 100th.  I waffled between excitement--100!!!--and then disappointment--just 100 in almost eight months.  By now I believed I'd have chronicled the entirety of my search for a mother and not only weaved in more of the elements of my mother quest, but explored them in depth.

motherless mothering 2

Being a mother was always what I wanted most in life.  When Aaron and I started dating in our late teens, I spoke incessantly about marriage and family.  I told him that I wanted to be a hippy mama and raise a troup of earthy kids on a farm somewhere in western Massachusetts.  The image of myself and these children traipsing through the fields, laughing and dancing and holding tight to our precious moments together, fed me emotionally for most of my life.  But at 18, he was not overly receptive to this type of dialogue and told me to put this particular dream on hold for a time.  I never realized then just how long this dream would be placed on the sidelines of my life.

motherless mothering

The past few days I've received some interesting comments on the blogs I've been writing about my mother's life.  This feedback came via email and conversation, and as much as I welcome dialogue in any way it's delivered, I'd love to encourage discussion on the content to be posted on the blog itself.  Not only do I truly welcome it, I believe it enhances the essence of my mother quest.