some things i wish i never knew about my mother

Did you ever learn something about your mother that you wish you never heard?

web of mothers

A few days ago, I asked my cousin, Jill, to see if she could get her mother to tell her more about my birth.  I've always wanted to know if I was born vaginally or via a c-section; how long my mother labored; how she felt when she saw me for the first time.  Since having my own baby, knowing has become that much more important.  I can't help but try to picture the circumstances of my own birth.  I imagine that most women ask their mothers about their births; but as with so many mother things perhaps this is part of my mother fantasy life.

my mother's best friend 2

After I learn of my mother's suicide attempt, I consider whether or not I should tell her best friend, Linda, that this was why my mother was hospitalized, that this was the state my mother was in when my grandmother asked Linda to come and visit my mother and she refused.  I know this weighs on Linda's conscience already; will telling her just make her feel worse?  In the end, I want her to know; I feel that she should.

my mother's choice

My mother took a bunch of pills when she was 20 years old, my aunt Barbara, explains to, my cousin, Jill.  She had begun to notice signs of the palsy and did not want to die that way.  My grandmother found her, called Barbara and they rushed her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped.  When my mother awoke she shouted at my grandmother, "Why do you want me to suffer like that?"  My grandmother told her she would never let her go, then placed my mother in the State Hospital to be watched.

my mother's best friend

Fleeing from or moving toward something, we are always alone.  I remember someone saying this to me during my graduate training and I wondered then and now, aren't we always doing both?  In moving toward knowing my mother, aren't I fleeing from the empty space that has been her for most of my life?

process of knowing my mother 10

When will my questions about my mother give way to more?

process of knowing my mother 9

"Do you mind if I am frank?" Carol asks at the beginning of our call.

"Of course." I want to know my mother's life as it was. I've had enough with speculation and myth making.

"Your grandmother, Bina, was one mean bitch."

process of knowing my mother 8

Even though my mother is dead our relationship continues to evolve.

Someone once told me that you have to have patience to understand something. Even though I worry that my mother's story will never be complete for me, I have the patience to keep going. I've become a passionate collector of my mother's memories; I will record her truth as far as I can trace it.

the process of knowing my mother 7

History is the stories we inherit.

What I wish that I could write: things my mother told me.

Do you remember the stories your mother told you?

losing my mother magic

Oh me, oh lordy my, ain't got no honey baby now. Rising Appalachia

Sasha is definitely weaning; my breasts quickly drying up after two days with just minutes of feeding. I am grieving this and find that I am struggling more with him than I should. To hear him scream and push away from me as I draw him back to the nipple, I am numb. Tonight I try again to work my milk magic. He latches onto the right and we share a singular intimate moment; with my nipple in his mouth, our eyes meet, he smiles--a smile that communicates everything he cannot yet explain to me-- then says ahhhhh and rolls away.

what kind of mother am i

Over the past few days, I have been reading through the entries for the January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Resolutions and considering what type of parent I have been these past ten months and what I would like to change or augment going forward. Considering the issues in these posts has come at a time when I am struggling with the loss of breastfeeding. Each day it becomes more clear to me that Sasha is weaning, and despite my continual efforts to keep him going, he is only latched on for a moment or two before he is off to something else. My milk supply is dwindling and I am now supplemental bottle feeding him from the enormous store of frozen breast milk in our basement.

memories of my mother

Last night my cousin, Jill, spent the night. It has been almost five months since our last visit in August. Whenever I see her, I want there to be a connection that feels like she is blood to me. It's a natural instinct for me to want to draw more people into my tribe and with her having been the closest thing I had to a sister when I was a child, I find when I am with her that I wish that she was someone different, someone who really wants a solid place in my life.

the process of knowing my mother 6

Is it my right to know things about my mother's life in this way? I have to consider how I would feel if my own child took to asking strangers for snippets of my life. As unanswered questions accumulate, I decide to try again.

the process of knowing my mother 5

My problem is that I never know enough about my mother. There are continual limits to my knowledge.

the process of knowing my mother 4

I take each moment of my mother's life that is given to me and a story begins to form. But in trying to unravel a line of continuity between one memory and the next, am I discovering my mother or inventing her?

the process of knowing my mother 3

Michelle,
As I was the only Theresa in our class, the note was probably from me. It has been so many years since then I don't remember who your mother had a crush on. Yes, she did know very early about her disease. She only spoke to me about it once and did say that she probably wouldn't live very long as there was no cure. She didn't seem like she was in pain but the last time I saw her she did have the shakes and didn't seem like herself.

the process of knowing my mother 2

Hi Michelle. I got an email from one of my classmates concerning your inquiry into your mother. I was probably your mother's best friend from kindergarten on up. I lived on Market Street in Northampton and she lived the next street from me. I would go over to her house every morning and walk to Bridge Street School with her.

the process of knowing my mother

When I see the first email from a classmate, I believe that I will no longer have to imagine my way into my mother's existence.

inventory of my mother's life 3

Only a handful of my mom's classmates are on Facebook but I am fortunate and the first person who writes to me, John A., knows the coordinator of their 50th reunion. He encourages me in my quest and shares with me that the few memories he has of my mom suggest that she was a wonderful person. Just hearing this hint of remembrance brings me hope that this line of inquiry will finally bring my mother more to life.

inventory of my mother's life 2

I will stop at nothing to inhabit my mother's life. Even if her secrets cannot be said out loud, they must not be forgotten. And so I become the keeper of my mother's memories by asking questions of anyone who may have known her.


Hi. My mother Patricia Finn was in your graduating class. I lost her at a very early age and have for years hoped to learn a bit more about her life. I just recently rediscovered her high school yearbook and hoped that writing to you through Facebook might be a way to connect with some of her classmates/possible friends. If you or any of your friends might have known her, I would love to hear from you. No story is too small...
Thanks.

mother seeking mothers

A friend suggested that I should keep my blog focused on current time and not pursue the direction I am taking into the past with seeking out my mom and her life and what I stepped into when I was born. She said she doesn't mind me digressing to my ad to find a mother, which I still have not even detailed, but that she doesn't want me to go way way back. But I am heading back with Woman Seeking Mother and I am excited by this story.

inventory of my mother's life

The mystery of my mother still fills my mind. I only have to close my eyes and the questions that never yield answers rush forward. I am seeking her more now, looking in places I never seached before. This is the year that I will fill in the silhouette of a woman that I call my mother.