Father's Day

Dear Aaron,

Today on Father's Day, I asked you What do you love most about being a father? and you replied Everything.  Every moment. I want you to know that Sasha feels this every day of his life.

His life right now is perfectly normal because you have made it so.  He suspects nothing of what you are going through.  Not the fatigue or the discomfort or the concerns of what is now just right around the corner.  You are an extraordinary father.  Because you are amazing at everything you do, I expected a great deal of you as a father.  But you are so much more than I ever imagined.   You are so present and essential.  Watching you with Sasha--your patience, loving devotion, curiosity, your perfect balance of entertainment and instruction, and willingness to follow his discoveries as far as they take him--no matter how you feel physically or mentally, makes me a better mother.  You have created a shield that encapsulates him in thrilling joy and creates beautiful and comforting moments that preserve our life together through the most challenging days.

You never fail to exhilarate Sasha. His whole face is alive with wondrous love when you walk into the room.  He looks at you directly with that bright smile and the spell of da da is realized. The magic lights on your face as well.  But whether you are here with us or away, all day long is da da da. So much of you remains with him even when you are not home.  I know that you worry about your time away while you are in the hospital and it is certain that he will miss you.  Believe that I will do what I can to bridge the distance.  I take comfort in my faith that this separation will be brief and only physical.  He is your son; you are his father.  You are printed on him and inside him.  He is saturated with his da da.  You are the place he wants to be; your bond is a seamless connection that will never be diminished.  There will be no gap between you.

The child who emerged from me is a child that bears more than a resemblance to you.  On meeting Sasha, people have commented that it seems I have given birth to another Aaron.  He has your face and your spirit.  I can only hope that he will have your character--that same combination of brilliance and humility, playfulness and commitment.  You are powerful and determined but always gentle and empathic. You are a man unlike many others. With you in his life, I know that he will be as incredible in his own right as you are.

One day you will share your adventures with cancer and he will wonder how any of this was possible when you were always there for him.  One day we will tell him the miracles in our life.  For now I tell you.  I will not be consoled with memories.  Know that we will make more.  Seeing Sasha so perfectly curled up on your lap this evening, it is easy for me to imagine the life the two of you will have together.

Happy Father's Day.  I love you.

Michelle