This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we're writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Dear Mamas,
In a few months time, my son Sasha's life as he has known it for his 13 months will completely change. My husband, Aaron, is currently undergoing chemotherapy in preparation for a bone marrow transplant, which is scheduled for July. At this time, we will temporarily relocate to a hotel in Boston for an indeterminate amount of time until Aaron is allowed to return home to New York.
I am currently a SAHM and Sasha's primary caregiver. Days and nights together, we are in complete synchrony with one another. I don't want anything to stress our attachment or his trust in my mothering. My goal from the moment of his birth has been to add to Sasha's life not subtract from it. I have no choice but to step into a new reality of broken time with my son so that I can also offer care and support to my husband as he undergoes this life and death procedure.
As a motherless mother and only child with few relatives, I don't have a mother (or a surrogate mother) to become a consistent caregiver for the duration of this chaotic time, so Sasha will be cared for by a series of friends and family at the hotel. While my intention is to be the one with whom Sasha begins and ends his day--I want this sacred time each day to call ours-- and I hope to be able to spend some time during afternoons with him, what I am able to offer my son will be determined by how Aaron is doing day-to-day.
Sasha is an active baby, exuberant and busy, and requires a lot of supervision. He is also a perceptive little boy who responds to sensitivity and routines and his mama as a secure home base. As much as I trust my friends and family members, I know that I will worry about his safety and miss our time together. I am honestly not sure how to relinquish constant presence in his life and as much as I understand why I must do so, it is not so easy to welcome our time apart. With a background in Child Psychology and Education, I am aware of the need to bring reminders from home such as toys and books and other familiar comforts. We are also including our dogs in our ever-growing posse as Sasha takes great pleasure in their company. I understand that I must try to be fully present with him emotionally whenever we are together no matter what has happened during the day at the hospital.
And so Mamas, I need to know how to keep my baby boy feeling happy, safe and secure despite the new environment, being away from his Mama, with rotating caregivers and without access to his dad. I want to protect our child's emotional life while I also care for my husband's physical and mental well-being and will do anything to accomplish this. I would love suggestions and also reassurance from anyone who has experience with multiple caregivers and/or environments by choice or necessity .woman seeking stability
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by the end of the day April 13 with all the carnival links.)
- Replace hitting with…? — Acacia at Be Present Mama is at a loss on how to handle her three year old's hitting.
- Two Questions — Alexandra at Breastfeeding Momma would like some ideas on how to strengthen her bond with her 8-month-old daughter; she's also looking for input on an emotional topic: vaccines.
- Balancing Needs When Baby Trumps Mama — Alison at BluebirdMama wonders how her child's need for noise and energy balances out against her need for quiet and space. (@childbearing )
- The McDilemma — Annie at PhD in Parenting is on the arches of a McDilemma. (@phdinparenting)
- Where is the mutually agreeable solution? When parenting calls for blood draws — Arwyn at Raising My Boychick has a child who needs regular blood tests that are torment for him. How does a parent honor a child when his health is on the line? (@RaisingBoychick)
- When To Wait To Nurse — Cave Mother wonders what age toddlers can be asked to wait to nurse.
- I don't love you Mama! — CurlyMonkey wonders what to do with her daughter's intense feelings. (@curlymonkey_)
- Help a Mama Out — Danielle at Born.in.Japan isn't getting much sleep with her cosleeping, night nursing, cranky little guy and hopes you can help with some suggestions for shuteye. (@borninjp)
- Dear Abby: My daughter really misses her Daddy — Darcel at The Mahogany Way needs to know how to help her daddy's girl get the connection with her father she needs — and not feel left out in the process. (@MahoganyWayMama)
- What's Going on at School? — Deb at Science@home is in a quandary: how can she find out what really goes on at school without stepping on the teacher's toes? (@ScienceMum)
- April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Advice — Dionna at Code Name: Mama wants to find volunteer work that includes her toddler. (@CodeNameMama)
- How do you deal? — Erin at Beatnik Momma does not want to engage in "mommy wars." She'd like your input on how (and how much) to discuss her natural parenting choices with curious friends and family who parent differently. (@babybeatnik)
- Dear Abby — The Grumbles at Grumbles and Grunts gave her son a banana...and no solid food since. What's the next step in baby-led weaning? (@thegrumbles)
- Excuse me, I have a poop question — Jessica at This is Worthwhile has a question for you about toddler tinkling. (@tisworthwhile)
- The Half Empty Nest Syndrome: What to do when Momma gets replaced by a cow? — Joni Rae at Kitchen Witch Momma is suffering from "half-empty nest syndrome": what do you do when your babies start growing up? (@kitchenwitch)
- Peer Pressure — Kate at Momopoly worries what message her daughter's new friend is sending — but how to break up such an infatuation? (@Momopoly)
- When I Fall Down — Katherine at Momioso.com needs your wisdom on how to be more gentle and at peace with herself. (@naturalparent)
- A question of sleep and sanity — KeepingMumSane needs your toddler cosleeping advice in order to, well, keep mum sane! (@keepingmumsane)
- April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice — Lauren at Hobo Mama needs a chiropractor … or help getting her 36 lb toddler to walk up the stairs. (@Hobo_Mama)
- Driver's Ed for Mommies — Maman A Droit is a self-confessed terrible driver and is scared to drive with her baby in the car.
- Solo Parenting — Mammapie at Downside Up and Outside In needs tips for being a single working mother while her partner's away. (@mammapie)
- Itsy Bitsy Biter — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting needs your advice about her daughter, otherwise known as the pitbull.
- How Can I Avoid Beauty Obsession? — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! is at a loss ever since her tomboys turned into wannabe princesses. (@bfmom)
- Seeking Stability in Chaos — Michelle at Seeking Mother is in a heart-wrenching position. She needs your input on how to make a toddler feel secure during a time of transition, the illness of a parent, and multiple (new) caregivers. (@Seekingmother)
- Mama, That's Too, Too Boring! — Michelle at The Parent Vortex started out asking how to encourage her preschooler to get dressed — and four days later, she began to without prompting! (@TheParentVortex)
- Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one's your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup)
- Diaper Duty Dilemma — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries has a simple request: talk to her about cloth! (@babydust)
- What Do You Need My Son — pchanner at A Mom's Fresh Start wishes her calm four-month-old hadn't turned into an inquisitive and dramatic six-month-old. How do you handle changes in baby's personality? (@pchanner)
- Dear Natural Parenting Community — Sarah at OneStarryNight wants to know how to respond to criticism from family and friends over breastfeeding. (@starrymom)
- Natural Parenting Carnival — Help — Sarah at Consider Eden feels like either her to-do list or her parenting is suffering, because she can't do both! (@considereden)
- To potty learn or not to potty learn - that is the question — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes wants to know whether it's time to start potty training. (@sheryljesin)
- Seeking Patience — Starr at Earth Mama looks to the collective tribal wisdom of this community to learn how to teach patience to children.
- A Dirty Girl Comes Clean — Tashmica at Mother Flippin' is struggling. How do parents deal with their inability to keep their children protected from danger? (@Mother_Flippin)
- Uli and the Pussy Cats — Thomasin at Propson Palingenesis has a toddler who likes to put kitties in headlocks and ride them like horsies. How best to separate the little beasties?
- Perceptions of Discipline — Zoey at Good Goog doesn't use conventional discipline with her child — and doesn't know how to respond around people who do. (@zoeyspeak)
Posts
14 comments:
Oh hon, first of all big hugs. I can't imagine what you are going through as a family.
I want to commend you on working hard to retain some normality for Sasha.
I'm so sorry that I don't really have any ideas other than to say I think you have come up with some great strategies.
I think if possible it would be great for Sasha to see Aaron when he can, it would be hard for him not getting to see him at all.
I know as AP mums we don't tend to go with routines much but at this time one may help Sasha feel some normality. If each carer can try and run a similar routine each day that may help Sasha feel he has some control over the situation.
The only other thing I can add is phone calls.
Good luck to you all. You have my thoughts and prayers.
Michelle, I honestly don't have any advice for you, but I do want to offer my virtual support. It sounds like you are doing everything you can think of to help Sasha feel loved and secure during this incredibly stressful time in your lives. The only thing I would encourage (if possible) is for him to be able to get to know the caregivers who will be with him while you are at the hospital. Otherwise, remember that kids are resilient - he will fare better than you think!
I third what the other two ladies have said.
Also, creating a new ritual, something that would be left behind once you're home might help in a transitional-object sort of way.
Something enjoyable, but certainly finite. Something that can be ceremoniously forgotten like a certain stuffed animal or nursery rhyme or even a sweater that you wear (this thing can also be shared with the other caregivers, as well, for continuity). It might help you, as well, to have a little control over your situation that way.
Best of luck to you and the best vibes possible sent your way. I'm rooting for you guys.
(hug)
Above all, I'm sending you hugs, healing and love. You are brave and strong and amazing. I commend you for all of your selflessness and hard work as a mama and wife.
I am sorry that I don't have much advice to give. I would just second the idea of having a routine for each care giver to follow. Don't be afraid to assert to them what is important to you in their care for Sasha. Of course, there are small things that will have to be let go of, but you are his mama and what is most important to you should be to them, especially now.
I don't have anything so monumental in my life that I can compare this to, but I encourage you to try to look past the here and now to the bigger picture of Sasha's life. Perhaps it can give you some hope. Chances are, what impacts Sasha the most from this situation will be the time and love that you and Aaron will be able to give him. Not the hours away or different caregivers. And years down the road, you will have a chance to talk with Sasha about this event in his life and if there is anything that you find connected to it, you may be able to help him heal it then.
((hugs)) for you! If you don't mind I will definitely pray for your whole family during these trying times. I hope that the surgery is a success and this time next year weighing these hard choices will be a distant memory.
First, I want to say that I think modeling a warm supportive marriage is so important to our children. When he is older he will understand what was in your heart when writing this post.
Also, although I argue the opposite when people talk about attachment, it is true that children are wonderfully resilient. A lonely day can be erased by some wonderful mommy time when you can.
I bet that Boston has a great attachment parenting community (if Cleveland Ohio does, I'm sure Boston's is bigger). Check out API for local groups. I bet the women there would be so happy to spend some time with you and your son. I know I would feel the same if a Bostonian had to come to my area for the Cleveland Clinic. I would want to be that extended family for them. I just bet a group in Boston would be so happy to hear your story and be there for you.
Lastly, my mom nursed my dad through 2 open heart surgeries in 4 months. Her kids were grown but I think we all learned about the importance of caring for the caregiver. If you are open to it I would plan now to see a therapist (or clergy) weekly while you are in Boston. It could be very helpful to have someone to talk to about your worries about your husband and your son. You can unload those with a professional and then have more emotional reserves to offer both your spouse and your child.
I will be following your blog! You aren't alone - don't be afraid to reach out to your web-family!
My thoughts and prayers go to you and your husband during this time. I pray that this time passes quickly and he is healed. Your son will still receieve the love and care he needs. Don't you worry.
I don't have a solution but I want to send you lots of love and my thoughts will be with you!
It's not the same thing, but I thought I'd share with you my experience. I was with my son basically 24-7 for the first 20 months of his life and then I returned to work.
I couldn't imagine that he would be OK without me, but somehow he was. It was an adjustment for both of us at first but we got used to our new arrangement. He goes to a home daycare near our house and loves his caregivers. My son and I are still really attached despite being apart while I am at work. Because of our strong attachment he understands that I go to work in the morning and see him in the afternoon.
I hope your husband responds really well to his treatment...good luck with everything!!
Thank you all for being such a wonderfully supportive community. Your suggestions mean a great deal to me as do your encouraging words. I plan to write about our experience on my blog and will definitely be including narrative on this transition for myself and Sasha.
Big ((hugs)) to you and your family.
My husband and my mother have both played very significant roles in caregiving for my children. It is hard to write out my thoughts in a quick comment, but I have written a few posts in the past that might help.
The first is on gentle transitions to a new caregiver and is mostly about how to make your child comfortable: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/12/21/gentle-transitions/
The other one, which I wrote as a guest post for Raising My Boychick, looks more at how you, as the "mama bear" can let go:
http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2010/01/wfpp-can-mama-bear-let-go/
I find it hard to relinquish constant presence, too, even now at 2.75 years and even for just time alone with his dad. It's freeing and at the same time ... lonely. But I think you've done so much to plant love and security in Sasha's life that he will adapt and your connection will become stronger through this.
What I've found for encouraging Mikko not to be upset by being absent from me or Sam is to keep him busy. So if your friends who are caring for him could bring him out some of the time, to parks or museums or similar, that might help keep him entertained. Boston has a wonderful children's museum and aquarium, and there's Plimoth Plantation and a great science museum if Sasha would enjoy any of those trips. If someone you know in that area has a local library card, I have a frugal tip for you. My parents live south of Boston, and their library system has super discounted and/or free passes to local museums and attractions. If you need me to hook you up with my parents' library card, let me know. :)
I know this craft at No Time for Flash Cards is too old for Sasha to do, but I like the idea of it, don't you? Like Jessica said, I wonder if you could give him something to remember you by, and remind all his caregivers to refer to it when he's feeling sad. Kate at Darcel's post also recommended making something for the missed parent when the child becomes sad to redirect some of the sadness.
I hope the time goes smoothly for you all and your family gets to return home soon. Lots of hugs and good wishes going your way.
No advice from me, because my heart is breaking as I read your words. I am aching inside for you all. I just wanted to reach out and offer support, love and (((HUGS)))
I don't have any advice either, but wanted to offer my support.
I think you've got great suggestions already. Hopefully more will come in for you.
Best thoughts for you, what a crap time.
I liked the idea above about creating a morning ritual, but maybe that could be expanded to include and morning and an evening ritual? When so much is changing around him the creation of a new permanent set of events *with you* that he can count on might help him find some stability as you temporarily transition towards a new schedule.
I don't have any advice, I am just sending you a lot of hugs and love. The idea if rituals is a great one...
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