A friend suggested that I should keep my blog focused on current time and not pursue the direction I am taking into the past with seeking out my mom and her life and what I stepped into when I was born. She said she doesn't mind me digressing to my ad to find a mother, which I still have not even detailed, but that she doesn't want me to go way way back. But I am heading back with Woman Seeking Mother and I am excited by this story.
So I began to wonder if I need to have a spin off blog of Woman Seeking Mother. As I sat in the Whole Foods Parking lot with a napping Sasha, I considered the possibility of writing another blog simultaneously--as if I can even manage one blog. In a fairy tale new year, where I could sit down and write daily, I would call this new blog, Mother Seeking Mothers because, I am, a mother seeking the community of other mothers.
When Sasha was first born, Aaron forbid me from joining any new mother's groups. He knows how sensitive I am and imagined I would come home and agonize over every decision that I make with regard to Sasha's care. This is probably true but in holding back meeting other mothers until I could confidently breastfeed my screaming reflux baby in the middle of a yoga class, I missed a pivotal bonding time. The moms in my baby yoga class had gone through those opening weeks together and were now a solid unit. It seems that there is a critical time between new moms akin to the imprinting of animals on their mothers. Since Sasha was four months old, I have been trying to find my way into the bosom of new moms. Will I ever find myself woven into the fabric of such a group or will I have to wait until another landmark such as pre-school or do those moms also already come with the friends from the early week trenches when you could hardly remember anything other than that it was time to feed the baby?
There is clearly a common theme here. I am always seeking a way to connect and "mother" does seem to figure in once again. But here I am now a mother looking to be around other mothers, rather than looking for someone to mother me. Don't get me wrong, I still want that too. Same girl, kind of the same agenda, but now wearing my new mother title. I have to say that I LOVE being a mom. I have never enjoyed anything more. If you put everything together that I ever did before I gave birth to Sasha, it would not add up to what I have experienced these past ten months. And he is ten months to the day. I am finally in my flow and struggling with intense regret and sadness that it took me so long to become a mom. This is another whole story. In terms of mother seeking mother, I am eager to see where am I going as a mom and who will be my posse. I need to get some ideas and bust out of my quiet tendencies to read and write (not happening too much anyway since he was born) and my insecurities, of which there are many, too many, and find other moms and babies.
Do new tactics need to be employed or should I be posting an ad as I first did when looking for a mother? Or should I go way back to my standing on the corner as a child looking for a woman to mother me? Perhaps I could stand on the corner with Sasha and try to solicit some mother-to-mother intimacy over a teething moment and somehow find my way to exchanging numbers.
I am unfortunately a bit of recluse these days. There's nothing I love more than lounging about with Sasha, just letting him explore things around the house and yard. Reading, napping, cuddling--we have too much fun. Thankfully, Sasha seems to love people, loves to laugh and smile and garner attention. He does, however, fancy himself to be more of a dog than a baby. And who can blame him given the company he keeps all day long with Onni and Suvi. When I finally secured an invitation to a Saturday morning mom's group, thanks to an unsolicited suggestion by my new friend Kristine to the host, Sasha proceeded to leave the room continually and hound the husband cooking in the kitchen like my dogs do when Aaron is cooking. He seemed to prefer racing about to sitting with the other babies and when I finally kept him within the circle of babies, he tackled another baby and tried to wrestle him the way the dogs do, then went on to steal every toy he could and take off, behavior modeled each and every day by Onni.
So will I be asked back?