memory of my mother

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She died in 1978, 31 years ago. She was just 36 years old.  I spent years wondering if my mother's fate would be mine. Now I often wonder why I was so fortunate to be spared the legacy that ran through my family. One might think it easy to relinquish a mother who could never be a mother but I've spent my whole life exhuming fragments of her life hoping to inhabit her, possess her. This blog may turn out to be the ultimate archeological exercise, digging deeply to find what is left of her. There's too much to recount all at once, and too little of it coherent and whole. Today I hope to reign in these unwieldy memories and bring forth only what I can of our last minutes together before her death.

seeking motherhood 4

When I awoke in the hospital room, Aaron sat beside me. I didn't know how long he had been sitting there. I felt only the absence of the baby. The OB stood in the doorway, frantic, talking too fast for my slowly awakening mind. She didn't get everything. She had trouble with the instruments. My cervix was too tight. I might need another D&C. I let her voice recede and focused on Aaron. His expression was serious, concerned. We'd speak first thing in the morning. With this, she left.

seeking motherhood 3

A decision had been made, my child was to be taken from me.   I wanted to wait, but the OB insisted it be done that day.  The operating rooms were full but she believed I could be fit in during the evening.  Aaron suggested we go home, then come back for the procedure.  I don't remember that drive.  One minute I waited in Radiology, the next I was home.  Aaron led me upstairs, had me sit on the bed while he undressed me.

mother's love

Mother's love is bliss, is peace, it need not be acquired, it need not be deserved.  

Erich Fromm

seeking motherhood 2

My high school reunion took place near the end of my first trimester. I had not planned on attending but after some not so subtle persuading from a classmate, I agreed to make it out. Going home was not something I often did since my grandmother's passing. Somehow I seemed to forget who I was when I walked those familiar streets. I'd see girls the age I was in high school and wonder if I knew them. I'd expect to see my grandmother, her white face and orange cheeks, scarf wrapped over a full head of curlers, limping down Main Street with her cluster of keys banging against her pants. But things were different now, I reassured myself, my life shifted forward, not back.

star child

A friend of mine gave me the gift of a psychic following Kala's death. I'd never had a reading and though the idea appealed greatly to me, I wasn't sure whether or not I believed in the accuracy of such forays through time. I decided not to tell the woman anything about my reason for contact.

seeking motherhood

Until I learned I did not carry my mother's disease, I did not want to have a child.  For many years, I never believed I would outlive my mother and did not want a child chasing my shadow the way I disappeared into my mother's.

mother in law 2

I knew I would never be someone who complained about my mother-in-law being too involved in my life.   So desperate for motherly advice and attention, I'd lick it from the floor like my dogs do crumbs from my morning toast.  Before I posted how my mother-in-law fit into my quest, I sent her a copy of the blog entry and asked her permission to publish the details of our relationship. Part of me feared I would jeopardize what I do have with her by laying out there what she had not brought to the table as a mother for me.

are you my mother?

The courage needed to send my seeking mother ad to the New York Review of Books still eluded me.  To stall, I began to look at other possible venues.  The Village Voice intrigued me. The personals are much more robust sexually than those in the New York Review.  The classifieds clearly attract an irreverent type of person.   I wasn't sure where to place my unusual request.  I decided to write the paper and hopefully garner some guidance from the professionals.

mother in law

How could I advertise for a mother without first sharing my idea for the mother search with my mother-in-law?  Was it possible that I had a mother already in her and that this mother SOS was unnecessary?  Perhaps if my mother-in-law understood just how desperate and shameless I was that I would actually advertise for a mother, she would keep me out of harm's way and claim me as her own.

mother of all ads

As soon as I began to write my mother ad, I realized how odd it would sound to anyone who read it, except perhaps the right someone. To her, it should make perfect sense.

mother quest defined

Throughout my life, I evaluated every older woman who came into my life the way Casonova appraised potential lovers.  But I had never before asked: could we be this to each other?  I realized if I placed this ad, I could no longer hide my mother hunger. I was and am a woman that longs to be a daughter, but Daughter Seeking Mother sounded too much like I lost my actual mother not that I needed a new one. I decided to stick with the first words that sparked my mind--Woman Seeking Mother--because wasn't this exactly what I was looking for: an affirming female figure otherwise known as mother.  I turned to my trusted Webster for guidance and delighted when I learned that according to standard definitions my quest was kosher. Would that also make it successful?

Woman--the female human being; a standard general term for the adult human being of the sex distinguished from man; femininity:  Sounds good so far. 

SEEKING: to seek; to track down; trace; to go to find; search for; look for; to go to; to resort to; to try to get or find out by asking or searching; to request; ask for; to bend one's efforts towards; aim at: pursue: to try; attempt: to explore; to look for someone or something:  Yes to all of the above.

Mother: a woman who has born a child especially a woman as she is related to her child or children; a step mother; adoptive mother; mother in law: a female parent of a plant or animal: that which is the origin of something or nurtures in the manner of a mother; a woman having the responsibility and authority of a mother: to look after or care for as a mother does:

Motherhood: the state of being a mother; the character or qualities of a mother:

Mother Figure: a person substituted in one's mind for one's mother and often the object of emotions felt toward the mother:  Perfect!!!

Mothering:  The work or skill of a mother in raising a child:

Motherly: of a woman; having traits considered typical of mother's---kind, protective, nurturing:


Woman Seeking Mother who will call me: 

Daughter: a girl or woman as she is related to either or both of her parents; a step-daughter, adoptive daughter; daughter-in-law; a female descendent; a female thought of as having been formed by or influenced as a child is by a parent; anything thought of as like a daughter in relation to its source or origin:  This is me!!!

mother blog

I was once told that as women we have not just one heart but two--the second being our wombs.  A womb is defined as any place or part that holds, envelops or generates. My friend, Lori, asked me what I desire from this blog.  I see WomanSeekingMother as my second womb.  

a mother fairy tale

A few years ago, each day just before sunset, I watched a mother, daughter, and granddaughter stroll Lambert's Cove Beach on Martha's Vineyard .  As entertaining as Aaron was romping in and out of the water with our dogs, Onni, Suvi and Kala, I could not be torn from this trio.  First I studied them from a distance and then I began to walk behind them, closer and closer, eavesdropping, memorizing each gesture of their hands--how one would stroke the other's hair as if it were her own.  Longing and longing...

mother's day

My sister-in-law, Elana, called this morning to ask how it felt to post my first blog entry. It was not what I had imagined. Somehow I'd envisioned myself at my desk contemplating the best beginning out of all possible beginnings for this story. But as the day slipped by with one breast feeding followed by another, I didn't believe I would meet my deadline. I had picked mother's day for the launch because what day would be more perfect to initiate a blog about my search for a mother than the day glorifying mothers and my first one with my baby.

mother yearning

When I was a young girl, I used to study the cars that passed by my house, waiting to enact what I believed to be my best chance to secure a mother.  I'd evaluate each woman as she slowed at the corner--the expression on her face, content or hungry, expectant or shut down; the presence or absence of children, of music, of animals.  I reassured myself that I could do it. Just a quick slip off the curb, nothing that would kill me but something that would require a trip to the ER.  The fall would be sudden and I imagine painful but being scooped into caring arms would be pure magic.  My conjured mother would lay me on the seat beside her and drive as if my life truly mattered to her.