Days became weeks and weeks became months and soon Janet will be leaving us. The other night Janet told me that she could adopt me.
"Sure," she promised.
She doesn't know that she should be careful what she promises. I might just bring her some paperwork and insist that she sign on. For good.
With each passing day, I have looked to Janet to be here for me as much as she is here for Sasha. I feel like I am incubating in her presence, ready to be born anew with less mother turmoil. Janet has made me believe I can care for Sasha on my own, but I don't want to give up this co-caring, this delightful sharing and loving and tending of my child and I don't want to give up this feeling of being under her motherly warmth.
But I am now counting down the days. A friend asked me the other night what kind of relationship Janet and I will have once she leaves, whether or not a situation where money is exchanged is real. There are so many people we pay to tend to us and our loved ones. Therapists. Trainers. Coaches. Nannies. Doctors. Housekeepers. Pet sitters. Is the entirety of the bond about the transaction? I don't know. I can only say that when I see Janet with my Sasha, I know that she cares for him. I hear it in her voice as she speaks with him and sings to him. And I believe this tenderness is there for me as well. I feel it in her touch. She senses how vulnerable I am. She must know how much I have included her in my life, how little I have censored as she comes from my room at all hours of the day and night and sees my bare breasts and my tears and the anxiety that I cannot conceal.
Janet tells me that it's all good. I need to hear this and hear it often. I have needed this all of my life. And here she is: just $$$ a day. No matter what I have going forward, hiring Janet to help me transition into motherhood has healed me in many ways.