How could I advertise for a mother without first sharing my idea for the mother search with my mother-in-law? Was it possible that I had a mother already in her and that this mother SOS was unnecessary? Perhaps if my mother-in-law understood just how desperate and shameless I was that I would actually advertise for a mother, she would keep me out of harm's way and claim me as her own.
I don't know how you feel about what I've done in creating this quest--whether you think it odd that I would take such a journey--but I thought I would share the roots for such an endeavor. When Aaron and I joined our lives, I imagined that I would gain a mother as much as a husband. It was my greatest hope. Upon meeting you, I was thrilled that Aaron had such an intelligent, interesting mother that I could relate to and respect. I value our relationship. I would gobble you up for myself if it seemed like that was really a possibility. But you have two beautiful, wonderful daughters and I know that what you feel for me emotionally is not nearly the same as what I feel for or want from you. As you have told me in the past, for the woman who never had a daughter of her own, the daughter-in-law becomes that much more coveted and treasured. I guess I have always wanted to occupy that special place. I desire someone to hunger for the same kind of connection and bond that haunts me. I have to hope that this quest will open me up, teach me something, and perhaps even bring me my dream.
Could I become a part of her memory of being a mother? Could she harbor me and love me as her own child? Would her maternal handiwork heal the parts of me that still clammered for a mother so that one day I 'd own the safety that a mother bestows? I began to allow myself to picture this very thing--that the lines between us eased and I was no longer the wife of her son but one of her own brood. For a few moments I felt contentment in this foolish fiction.
Her email reply arrived and self-consciousness fought my peace. Would my plea reach her as I'd hoped? She did not offer herself up as the yin to my yang. Instead she shared with me that she would be interested to hear how my search goes. Having a close relationship with both of her daughters, she was not the wanton mother-in-law in need of that hoped for daughter. For this, I would have to journey further from home.
But was there a place where would-be-mothers gather, laps ready for fully grown daughters? And would an ad be the map to find it?
My friend, Rachel, brought her three children to our home for a barbeque. The boys played ball with Aaron while her daughter chased fireflies around our yard. I shared with her that I learned it is the males who flicker in magical display to attract the females. She told me that she was exceptional at catching them because they are so slow. I hoped I would gather a mother to me as successfully.